I always questioned whether I was ready to become a midwife.
I would always take a deep breath before entering the midwives station for handover and that's when the butterflies would begin again. (There was a pattern -lol).
So yes I remember sharing with you my first delivery as a newly qualified midwife, it was a real 'go girl' moment. But now I want to take you through my triumph over FEAR. Where do I start?
After leaving university I assumed starting my dream job would be a breeze. I say this because my degree was both practical and theoretical. It was a requirement to deliver 40 babies before I qualified and I had delivered 42 babies on my own throughout my degree (YES for those wondering I actually delivered babies on my own - Yes lol). So I genuinely thought it would have been a walk in the park.
I started my rotation on labour ward before the other wards (midwife led unit /antenatal ward/ postnatal ward/ community/labour ward) and seven months later I am still here 😁. This smile was once a sad face 😩. I hated going into work and always thought about quitting.
The night before my work shift I would have butterflies in my stomach and would pray to God my night sleep would drag!!!
Initially before each shift I would pray in my 🚗 that ‘today would be a good day’ whilst my stomach was always in a twisted knot. I always questioned whether I was ready to become a midwife.
I would always take a deep breath before entering the midwives station for handover and that's when the butterflies would begin again. (There was a pattern -lol).
During my shift I would be filled with fear and would always hope it would fly by so I could go home. I really hated going to work and it made me question my whole reason for applying for midwifery.
What am I saying here?
Fear consumed my every being and it was affecting me both mentally and physically. Everyone around me was so proud that I had finished my degree with flying colours and bagged a job as a midwife. My mum would shout it out to everyone that could hear. My aunties and uncles would send me congratulatory text messages. My friends would say how proud they were of me. I would get people commending me on my age and amazing position. This all sounds great on paper but in my reality I wanted everyone to stop and (really) give me some space.
I didn't feel qualified for my job title and wanted to quit every shift. I want to be transparent and share a short sentence from my diary (yes I still have a diary, it helps me track my progress and thoughts). ' I don't think I can do anything, I want to quit!' Wow looking back on that statement saddens me. I can't believe how down I was and how strong my feelings were and this was literally seven days into being a midwife.
How am I triumphing fear ?
I have come a long way and no longer feel sick to my stomach before work(lol) I will admit there have been down days where I just want to stay at home and watch my favourite shows on Netflix (The big bang theory lol 😂). On the other hand there are days (many) where I am very happy with my life and job overall.
But my spirituality keeps me going and will help me triumph over fear. I am a strong believer in God and I have a beautiful relationship with him (one that gets stronger each day). One scripture I always stand on is (this scripture dates back to my driving lesson days )
2 Timothy 1:17
Why do I keep going?
For someone like you reading this who wants to give up. I employ you not to quit and to keep going.
'I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear' - Nelson Mandela Jadesola Oginni