I wanted to replace her and go instead. I questioned why God would do that.
I came onto a night shift ready to deliver babies as usual. Four hours in and things didn’t look right, I remember voicing my concerns but being a junior midwife and having locumn doctors made it that more difficult.
Until it happened...
I remember dropping to my knees and wailing, I tried to remain professional but couldn’t. I wanted to replace her and go instead. I questioned why God would do that and started to list all the bad things I could have done and thought this was punishment. I wished I had been allocated into another room instead of that room. All I could think of is that she would eventually go home to an empty cot, car seat and expectant family and friends. She never once blamed me or even got angry that night and at that moment I saw so much strength. I wanted to just hold her and say sorry over and over again.
I remember driving back home to sleep as it was a night shift and being in another world. It didn’t hit me until I put my head to sleep and kept tossing and turning and waking up with nightmares.
I spent the majority of my time blaming myself and questioning why. I felt everyone’s eyes were watching me, blaming me. I wanted to runaway and never come back.
It knocked my confidence severely.
They gave me a few days off but I couldn’t think about anything else so decided to come back and face my fears. I’m not sure if that helped or not because I remember over reacting over every little detail because I didn’t want another poor outcome. It took me a while to realise it ‘WASN’T my fault’ and realised that unfortunately 1 in 200 will experience a stillbirth.
I couldn’t have asked for better colleagues at that time. Everyone was so supportive and believe it or not one midwife or obstetrician has experienced the same or something similar. This is sad because each loss is painful!
Nonetheless, I still decided to run away and go into the community. I was there for a year before I started to do bank shifts on labour ward. I’m now more confident and from my experience and my care has massively improved because of what happened.
I won’t say her beautiful name but she will always be in my heart and every time I say a little prayer. I pray that God strengthens her family, heals their hearts and blesses them with an overflow of joy.
This is why baby loss awareness week is so important to me.
My job is so rewarding because I am able to make a positive impact for both the women and their families regardless of the outcome. I've also got my BLAW PIN!
This is why AllBirths was created: a platform that welcomes all kinds of births. Whether it is a live birth, miscarriage, stillbirth or neonatal death. I won’t be silent, I will continue to honour 💕